Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
