Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
