he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
