I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
