Please, let me fuck your mom
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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