your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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