Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
