I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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