What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
