I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
