I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
