You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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