you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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