Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
