I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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