Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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