i wish starbucks made bloody marys
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
