This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
