I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
