Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
