I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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