two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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