Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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