I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
