The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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