Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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