the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
