I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
