they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
