why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
