my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
