i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
