I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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