Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
