You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
