on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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