she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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