I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
