when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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