I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
