Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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