And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
