did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
