I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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