So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
bring money and cleavage
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
