I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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