I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
