If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
