no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
