I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
